She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
