he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
