mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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