I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
