I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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