My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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