onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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