I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
