the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
