I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
