I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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