come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Can I color on your dick again?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
