Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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