Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
