A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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