I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
