Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
