What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
