In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
FUCK WHALES
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
