my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
