is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Sober January is a disaster.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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