What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I can't turn off my feet"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
