he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
