I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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