i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
