I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
