There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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