Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
