no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
