I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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