he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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