I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I need to align my fucking chakras
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
