Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
