Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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