so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
