this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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