i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
