maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
