You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
