kristin has been a bad kristin
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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