ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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