Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
