420 ftw
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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