So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
