Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
