Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
