This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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