I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
