Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
