some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
