I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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