if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
